— Nayeon Kwon (Nancy) Y10 Mulchat —
Hello? Are you there? I hope you are. I really wish to end what we are now. You seem to be there all the time waiting to come out whenever you have the chance. You make my life miserable with all the pain increasing within me. Who am I? Who is to be me if I don’t know which one of us is real? I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t trust what is going on. Are you me? Can I trust you to act on my own will? Or are you just a demon within me that is waiting to come out? I don’t know what we are.
I am you. And you are me. We are the same being, yet we are so different. I don’t know what you desire, but my desires are quite clear. Maybe we are the two totally different beings within the same body. I want to know who you are, so that I can be what I am. Can we coexist? Maybe, we just might be able to. If you are willing to do so as well. Do you wish to stay with me? Can we stay this way, as we are together, disappearing when the other doesn’t need you?
I don’t know what I am any longer. I don’t know what we wish to be, and I don’t know whether we are for the good or for the evil. Are we to be together? Can we exist together? What happens when one of us disappears? What happens when one of us can’t endure it any longer? What happens if I die? Or… what if I extinguish your presence? Would that work? If then, would I be able to stay as myself, not having to care about this wicked dream that I am going through? Would that clear my head, and make me normal, as the others are?
I shivered as I talked to myself. I didn’t say it out loud, yet I could feel myself answering back. I talked to myself and myself talked to me. My other self. The other one that never disappears. The other side of me that will never give up trying to gain control over me. This ‘symptom’ has been happening since last year, after that event.
A flashback whipped through me. It throbbed my memory painfully, as though it shall never leave me be.
The fire. It was so red, so glorious, engulfing everything next to it. The sky, so blue and bright, turning into a dreaded grey. As I ran away, turned back, and looked towards the burning house. Why had I done that? I do not know. Yet as I turned around, I saw my friend screaming at me. His despair penetrated through me. He screamed at me to help him. To save him. But I couldn’t. No, I didn’t. The boulder that held our house up trembled and fell behind me as I ran. I ran away from my friend who needed my help more than anything and I felt nothing.
No, that’s not what I had been thinking. That person who had been thinking then wasn’t me. Or was that me thinking just then? Or was it the thing?
The frustration overcame me like wild fire. The fear of not being able to recognise myself took me down to a new level of desperation. I could not hold onto such state. I had a sudden urge not to exist. That night, I decided not to fight back any more.
Yes, that was what the other one decided to do. I had been the lucky one then, being able to overcome that queer thing. Now I am the only one left here. I am fully myself now.